Once upon a time, martinis were just that – martinis: vodka or gin, vermouth, an olive, shaken or stirred. Then Y2K happened – or didn’t happen- and we all collectively lost our minds. How do I know? I was there, talking on my flip phone, rocking low-cut jeans, and briefly sporting chunky highlights with bedazzled bobby pins. It was a new millennium. We were haughtily high-tech, perilously fashion-forward, and damn it; we wanted our alcohol to, well, not taste like alcohol.
Enter the flavored martini—a hypersweet, hypercolored, 90-proof beverage happy to fuel your worst decisions.
To be fair, these drinks were hella good, and there wasn’t a single flavor off-limits. Birthday cake, check. Cherry limeade, check. Pickled pear, check. Bars had to print spiral-bound menus to fit their ever-expanding list of these trendy concoctions.
So, what happened? Why did these fun, diabetic, coma-inducing drinks go the way of MySpace? The answer is simple: Carb-Counting, Gluten-Obsessed, Heavily Tatted Hipsters. These sinisterly mustachioed barkeeps coerced us into thinking we didn’t want sugar in our drinks. We wanted something more sophisticated, something more subtle, something that cost soooo much more money than a drink should. The era of bespoke, organically grown, small-batched, slow-crafted cocktails arrived, and let’s be honest, it has dominated our watering holes for over a decade.
The Return of Dumpster Fire Drinks
Looking back, I have a theory that most of the things we enjoyed during the 2000s were in response to being scared shitless most of the time – a backlash of sorts to the raging dumpster fire the world was fueling. After all, it was the era of 9/11, the Iraq war, overly invasive TSA checks, and the delightfully color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System. The threat level is orange today, so why not have a Jolly Rancher-flavored drink or five and forget the world may be ending soon?
Sound familiar? It’s not surprising, then, that these crazy concoctions are making a comeback. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I am, in fact, scared shitless right now, and the ever-growing list of things contributing to this almost constant panic attack keeps well – growing. Let’s suppose democracy is going to tumble, and our environment is literally going to go up in flames. I do not want a riff on a Manhattan that features simple syrup infused with Indonesian cinnamon and garnished with a hand-plucked rosemary shrub. Life is bad enough. Why drink something that tastes like an ancient herbal remedy when you can drink something just as potent and tastes like fucking cotton candy?
So, my friends, as a happy ambassador to this ridiculous period of time and its equally ridiculous drinks, let me guide you through twenty martinis that will make you forget all about the collapse of Western civilization.
Twenty Tinis Guaranteed to Lift Your Spirits (or just knock you out cold)
1. COSMOPOLITAN
Essentially a pink, boozy sweet tart in liquid form, it’s often found in the hands of women who like to talk trash and spend way too much money on woefully uncomfortable shoes. Here’s the Recipe
2. PAMA MARTINI
A sweeter version of the cosmopolitan, it’s often sipped by hot yoga enthusiasts that believe the antioxidants in pomegranate basically make this a health drink. Here’s the Recipe
3. CHOCOLATE ESPRESSO MARTINI
A dangerously smooth blend of vodka, espresso, coffee liquor, and chocolate, it’s perfect for Starbucks addicts that like a hint of espresso and danger with their chocolate milk. Here’s the Recipe
4. SUGAR COOKIE MARTINI
A sweet blend of vanilla crème liquor and vodka, it’s what Santa wishes you would put out instead of those lame, tree-shaped, cookies. Here’s the Recipe
5. BUTTERFLY MARTINI
Basically, a boozy purple drink that doesn’t taste purple. This fancy mix of elderflower liquor, Crème de Violette and Vodka is the perfect cocktail for a garden tea party where no one drinks tea and everyone gets lit. Here’s the Recipe
6. LEMON DROP MARTINI
A deceptively innocent looking cocktail that is as sweet and refreshing as lemonade, but packs enough punch to make you wonder how you ended up with charred pizza in your bed. Here’s the Recipe
7. CHOCOLATE MARTINI
Liquid chocolate that gets you drunk. Need we say more. Here’s the Recipe
8. DIRTY MARTINI (GIN OR VODKA? CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE!)
A briney, booze forward concoction, it’s often found in the hand of someone who wants to look sophisticated, but really just wants to drink olive juice and pretend that everything is going to be ok. Here’s the Recipe
9. DIRTY GIBSON (OR REGULAR GIBSON, BUT DIRTIER IS ALWAYS BETTER)
A martini’s quirky cousin who insists on being different by swapping olives for pickled onions. Not recommended before late night make out sessions. Here’s the Recipe
10. RASPBERRY DREAMSICLE
A smooth mix of vodka and Chambord, this velvetly, berry-kissed cocktail whispers, “I am elegant,” but screams, “I am going to text my ex later!” Here’s the Recipe
11. GRAPEFRUIT MARTINI
This little number starts off refreshing then turns a little bitter then makes you think its refreshing again. It’s like that one friend you can always count on to let you know that outfit doesn’t look good on you. Here’s the Recipe
12. VESPER
With the addition of Lillet, you may consider this sassy drink the martini’s rich aunt. She looks like the rest of your family but is always impeccably dressed and ready to judge all of your life choices. Here’s the Recipe
13. CHARTREUSE MARTINI
Bright green and mysteriously herbal, this drink is fancy enough to make you feel like a sorceress. Just remember while consuming, the person you are trying to enchant might just be a toad after all. Here’s the Recipe
14. FRENCH MARTINI
The word French makes this drink sound super chic, no? But its ingredients – Vodka, Raspberry Liqueur, and Pineapple juice make it more akin to a happy hour special at Trader Vic’s than an afternoon libation at a café on the Seine. Here’s the Recipe
15. TWENTIETH CENTURY COCKTAIL
This concoction may sound like a desperate attempt to make something out of all the strange liqueurs you’ve collected over the years – but somehow it works. Here’s the Recipe
16. CUCUMBER MARTINI
Just as its name reveals, it’s like spa day in a glass, even if the spa is your couch on the weekend with a new series to binge. Here’s the Recipe
17. BLOOD ORANGE MARTINI
In case you didn’t know, using just plain oranges in cocktails is super lame. This punk rock version slays with its sexy color and hardcore name. Here’s the Recipe
18. SALTED CARAMEL MARTINI
A dessert disguised as a cocktail, this concoction is perfect for people who want to drink candy and make bad decisions. Here’s the Recipe
19. THE CHAITINI
Look caffeine and booze belong together, how else are you going to stay up until 4 am liking all of your crush’s posts since 2015. Here’s the Recipe
20 THE PICKLETINI
Move over dirty martini, this crazy concoction is perfect for anyone who thinks olive juice just isn’t salty or briny enough. Bottoms up weirdos! Here’s the Recipe
Have you tried any of these crazy drinks or see anything we’ve missed, join the conversation and comment below. Cheers!
Recent Comments